There are two kinds of “I’m sorry.” The kind where you feel bad for the other person, and the kind where you take personal responsibility for what went wrong.

The first kind of “I’m sorry” is easy. You say it at funerals, “I’m so sorry you lost your mom.” You might even say it during an argument, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

It starts with “I”, but it’s really about them, not you. Even when shouted in the heat of the moment, as in “Well, I’m sooo sorry you think that my ideas are terrible!” or uttered with great empathy, “I’m just so sorry you're so upset about this,” you’re still talking about their state of mind, not your actions. In some cases, your words are saying “I’m sorry,” but your brain is actually thinking, “What I’m really sorry about is that you are such an overly sensitive idiot.”

The other kind of “I’m sorry” is more difficult. It’s when you add in the words, “I was wrong.” This is hard for a lot of people because it flips the conversation from the overall situation to put the spotlight on you.

Saying “I was wrong” moves you into a place of personal responsibility for what happened. For many, this feels like a weak passive position. But it’s actually not.

Follow this argument:

They say, “You shouldn’t have done X.”

You respond with, “I’m sorry, but here are the reasons why I did it.”

They say, “You're still wrong.”

You say, “Here’s why I was justified.”

It goes back and forth, on and on. You try to explain why you're right, they continue to tell you why you're wrong. It feels like you're standing your ground, and keeping things under control. But you’re not.

When you're being defensive and reactive, you are actually giving up control because everything you say is in response to the other person. They are the one controlling the conversation.

Now look at this argument.

Person A: “You shouldn’t have done X.”

Person B: “I’m sorry, I guess I was wrong.”

Person A: “You're doggone right you were wrong.”

Person B: “What can I do to fix this?”

Person A: “You can do X.”

Person B: “I’ll do that, I’ll do X, Y, and Z. Then we’ll make sure this doesn't happen again.”

Look closely, Person B, the one who said they were wrong, is the person taking control of the conversation and bringing it to a successful close.

Taking responsibility for what went wrong doesn't put you in an underling position; it puts you in the power position, because then you have the power to manage the situation.

You don't need to cop to something you didn’t do, and you don’t want to dominate other people. But if you own even a small percentage of the problem, stepping up to fix your part makes you more powerful, not less.

The key thing here is attitude. A groveling, “I’m sorry, I was wrong, I’m a terrible person” hang dog attitude puts you in the position of powerless martyr.

But a confident, forthright, “I was wrong, I’m going to fix this” pulls you out of the victim mode and into the action mode.

Refusing to say, “I'm sorry, I was wrong” leaves you powerless because you can't change anything. It alienates you from other people and keeps you trapped inside the conflict forever.

But when you say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong,” you give yourself the power to change.

Lisa Earle McLeod

Managing Attention

Managing attention is one of the easiest and hardest things you can do. Gaining attention for a moment is easy, but holding it for several minutes, let alone the duration of a presentation can be difficult.

Contrast

Contrast is a basic principle of attention management which takes two things and highlights the difference.

Physical contrast acts directly on the senses and instincts. Make a loud sound in a moment of silence. Move suddenly after being still. Flash a light in a darkened room. Even simple movement attracts attention. All such stimulations create automatic reactions and increased alertness.

You can also use verbal contrast. Talk about the difference between what they have and what they could have. Highlight threats to their present safety. Show what others have that they do not.

Interest

Grab their interest by talking about things that are important to them. If your subject is not important to them, then make it so, for example by stimulating their needs and showing them the gap between needs unfulfilled and a more satisfactory future.

Provoking

Prodding other motivators also acts in the same way. You can show them how to achieve their objectives, raise their fears by highlighting threats, anger them by challenging beliefs, and so on.

Releasing

Give them a break! When you have their attention, they are expending mental energy, which it tiring. So let them have little mental breaks throughout your talk. Let them relax a bit in transitions, pauses and other spaces in between.

Then grab them all over again.

Building

An audience can be built up with a pattern repeated attention grabs and releases. Storytellers builds overall tension by grabbing attention more often than releasing, then releasing them all in a grand climax.

Example

I start my talk with a single clap and loud greeting. I then ask a question about the safety of the their families, promising to answer it later.

Discussion

Attention-grabbing is an evolutionary device that pulls our thought towards threats and opportunities. If we attend to the right things, we will survive and thrive (and if not, we will not). Perhaps coincidentally, the word 'attention' contains the word 'tension', which is a core attribute of attention as we tense up until the thing which grabbed our attention is resolved.

A sudden contracts can trigger the fight-or-flight reaction, which spurs us into action. The adrenaline rush created will certainly stimulate us and extreme provocation should be used with care, as a fight, even verbal, is not always desirable in a presentation. Nor is them running away.

Spending Time

Think carefully about how you spend your time. Consider all the things you can do and whether these will make you happy or unhappy. Consider also whether these will make you happy or unhappy in the future. Sometimes a bit of less happy time now leads later to lots of happy time later.

Here are a few guidelines:

Spend time with the right people

Most people are happier when spending time with friends, family, and significant others, whilst they are least happy when with their bosses and co-workers.

Spend time improving relationships

If you can't spend time with the people who naturally make you happy, the spend time on improving your relationship with the people you have to spend time with. If you can get on with your boss and co-workers you will be much happier at work.

Of course you should also spend time maintaining a good relationship with your friends and family.

Spend time doing the right thing

Consider what you enjoy doing and try to spend more time here. Also look for ways to be happier in the work that you cannot avoid. Do try to minimize activities that are unnecessary and give you no pleasure now nor will contribute nothing to a happier future.

Spend time thinking about good things

Recall happy memories. Whilst wallowing nostalgia for too long may lead you to lose out on other things, when you have time to spare it can give you 'free happiness'. Also think about other things that make you happy and anticipate happiness in the future.

Think about now

If you spend too much time thinking about other times you will miss the pleasure of now. Just spending time in mindful immersion can give a steady flow of happiness.

Discussion

Time is the great leveler. It is the one thing we all have and a key thing that you cannot get back once it has gone. Unless we are unlucky, we all have around the same time on this earth and have similar risks of an early demise.

If you are mindful about the time that you have, you can plan to make best use of it whilst also enjoying the moment.

Note that we tend to 'discount' happiness from the future, valuing more distant happiness less than happiness which is closer in. This can lead us into poor decisions where we effectively choose an unhappy future by seeking only near-term pleasure. This is the trap of the addict and the hedonist. Of course one should not spend one's life unhappily planning and preparing for a hopeful future that may never come, but more people discount the future too much.

Ingratiation

Ingratiation is a simple method of influence that seeks to get others to like you and hence comply with your requests.

Description

Jones (1964) defined three methods of ingratiation: other-enhancement (flattery), opinion-conformity (agreement) and self-presentation.

Flattery

Tell the other person how wonderful they are. Express admiration of their achievements and for the person. Exaggerate their positive attributes and excuse, downplay or ignore their negatives. Show that you like them, respect them and trust them.

If they have written or done things of which they are proude, indicate how you have taken time to read their works or study their actions as these are so excellent as to be worthy of anyone's time and attention.

Tell them that others appreciate them also, particularly those they respect.

Agreement

When they express an opinion, agree with them, wholeheartedly. Show you have similar beliefs and values. Be impressed with their arguments and do not challenge their assertions. Smile and nod when they are talking (except when they are talking negatively, when it is better to show concern).

Show your agreement subtly by re-using their words, matching their body language and otherwise indicate that you are in rapport with them. Lean towards them. When they frown, you frown. When they are animated, show visible enthusiasm.

You need not agree with everything, but it can be a good idea to be relatively gentle in your opposition an allow yourself to be persuaded on points that are important to them and disagree on things that not so important to them.

Self-presentation

Present yourself in a way that the other person will like. If they like smartly-dressed people, dress up. If they prefer jeans and T-shirt, dress down.

Speak well. Be knowledgeable but not arrogant. Speak clearly and concisely rather than rambling on at length and hogging the talk time. Be interesting and interested. Listen well and show you understand.

Help

You can also ingratiate yourself with others by actively helping them, looking after their interests and generally providing support.

Look both at their current goals and as well as their wider motivation. Do things that will likely get their thanks.

Discussion

Although ingratiation is often expressly viewed with distaste, in practice it is very common. The key to successful ingratiation is that the person does not realize that you are doing this. This usually means being subtle rather than exaggerated.

Flattery and agreement when people have a high opinion of themselves as it is in alignment with their own views. When they have less self-esteem, flattery acts as a boost and, even if the person does not agree with the comments, they will likely appreciate the kindness.

Flattery and agreement work because to reject the flatterer is to reject the positive comments about oneself. Importantly for persuasion, there is also an exchange dynamic created whereby they feel obliged to repay the kindness.

A way to make the ingratiation more effective and credible is to start with a criticism and end with flattery. If the criticism is of an already known and accepted failure or weakness then this will not be taken badly. The contrast then between the criticism and flattery makes it all the more powerful. It also means you do not need to exaggerate the flattery as much to still have a strong effect.

Rather than stroking the other person, self-presentation works simply on ensuring you look good and are likeable. If they like you, then they are more likely to do as you ask.

Appelbaum and Hughes (1998) note how ingratiation is used in organizations for internal political ends, including 'strategic ingratiation' that leads to promotion or pay rise. This includes:

• Befriending and helping important people.
• Managing the impression others gain of you.
• Managing the sharing of information for best effect.
• Getting others promoted so you can fill their shoes.
• Doing favors and then requesting significant returns.

Organizational politics tend to increase when managers are more powerful and autocratic, when favoritism is common and when individuals are forced to compete with one another for management approval. Ambiguity and uncertainty increases this also as individuals hedge against unexpected criticism.

Ingratiation is not always appreciated and may be seen as manipulation or a low-status, low-self-esteem activity. A way to make ingratiation fail is to over-do it or use it in cultures where any form of ingratiation is viewed with distaste or where authenticity is highly valued.

Helping too much is a typical issue, where the ingratiating person upsets the balance of social capital and the target person becomes annoyed by the implied obligation that is put on them. This may explain why trying to help someone only results in anger and unkindness in return.

In some situations where one person assumes a subservience, such as waiting table, ingratiation may be the norm and is expected. Waiters who ingratiate are often likely to receive a higher tip.

Money and Happiness

Money does not automatically make you happy. So here's some information about how you can use it to make you happy.

Basics

Without the basic in life, of a roof over your head and food in your stomach, then your world may be quite miserable. Money helps you escape such hazards and a safe, healthy person is generally much happier than one who is not.

Once the basics of survival are covered, however, more money does not mean more happiness.

Potential

Having money is like having a battery or standing at the top of a mountain. It is stored power, ready for action. Money in itself does not create happiness. It is the thought of what you can do with it that can lead to happiness.

But the thought of spending it also may lead to thoughts of the unhappiness of not having it. Without money there is no anticipated pleasure of potential and basic hardships return, which can be a sad place.

Materialism

Money is often associated with buying things. Whilst there is often an initial thrill during the purchase process, just owning something does not make you happy. In fact it can make you anxious as you worry about it being stolen or others being envious. People who own rich estates worry about intruders, even after putting up barbed wire and employing security guards.

Just as the miser grimly hoards money, there is a danger of jealously guarding your possessions and thinking ill of others in angry imagining them stealing your goods.

Relativism

Feeling successful is related to happiness and we determine our success relative to others. If our friends are all billionaires, then being a millionaire may not seems that successful. If my yacht is smaller than your yacht then I may not be that happy. It is often the status that having money brings that leads to happiness (Boyce et al. 2010). The reason I am less happy about my yacht is because my richer friends look down on it (and hence me).

How we define relative success does vary with cultures, although money often (but not always) plays a significant part, at least in how it may be used. An example in the USA how much you have recently earned is more important than in the UK, where how much you have is more significant.

Experience

Money is better spent on experiences than goods. The happiness of having is not as intense and does not last as well. If you go on an exciting adventure holiday then the memory will keep you going for longer.

A reason for this effect is that experiences satisfy higher order needs, whilst having money mainly satisfies only lower-order needs.

Philanthropy

A simple way of using money to find happiness is, perhaps counter-intuitively, is to give it away. Happiness often has a significant social component and you can get a lot of social approval by helping others. Even if others do not directly praise you, you may well praise yourself for complying with strong values to help others.

The effect works at all levels of income. Dunn et al. (2010) measured happiness of a wide sample of Americans and found that those who spend money on themselves did not increase in happiness whilst those who spent on others became happier. They also measured happiness at a Boston firm where employees received a bonus of between $3000 and $5000. Those who spent more on others were happier. They also found that even small and regular spending on others had a distinct ongoing positive effect.

Happiness at Work? Is it Possible? Yes, if You Know the Nuances of Happiness

Do you ever feel lethargic and lost at work? Do you ever feel vulnerable and powerless, like a tiny cog in a huge machine? Do you wish that you could be truly happy at work?

“Happiness at work is elusive,” says psychiatrist Dr. Kerry J. Sulkowicz. Sulkowicz teaches that a better goal is to enjoy your work and strive for high performance. That is more realistic. Why? Happiness is complex. It is difficult to sustain for long periods of time. It often ebbs and flows with the people around you and ultimately, happiness must be generated from within.

In your quest for happiness at work, it is important to understand root causes. When identified, root causes give you clues to why you feel vulnerable and powerless. I learned this when I worked in a corporation where I was expected to be merely a puppet, doing exactly what the manager said and acting precisely when he pulled my strings.

The behavior of my manager was my root cause for unhappiness as he drained essential life force from me but I displaced my anger on my family and work associates. Seeing my relationships suffer, I had to step back and analyze why I was so unhappy. As I consciously looked at my feelings and emotions, I realized that the root cause of my anger was a manager who did not allow me to collaborate, have input, think through and solve problems related to my work.

Once I identified, admitted to myself, and accepted this root cause of my unhappiness, my annoyance and irritation subsided. I was no longer a victim, but had a sense of power coming from my ability to cope with negative feelings. By insulating myself mentally and emotionally from the behaviors of my manager, I returned to a pleasant person. I restored my good relationships with friends and family, regained my mental energy, and climbed on top of my workload.

The ups and downs of work life are inevitable. Work is work! Only in Cinderella fairy tales is work free from pressure, demands, and anxiety. Believing you are entitled to happiness at work every hour of the day makes you neurotic and causes your mental state to go up and down like a yo-yo.

Next time you feel unhappy and lethargic at work, look for the root cause which may not be your manager but an overdue project or an assignment just out of your skill set. Stabilize your identity as a valuable cog in organizational progress, believe in your inner power to manage your mental and emotional energy, and then focus on consistent and excellent results.

It is possible to find happiness at work when you understand the subtle nuances of creating a mental and emotional environment where happiness can thrive within.

Karla Brandau - CEO Workplace Power Institute

Six Powerful Prospecting Tips

Why is it that some sales reps consistently earn a six-figure annual income while other reps, putting in the same hours, selling the same products and trained by the same sales manager struggle each month financially to make ends meet? The answer to this question is painfully simple; the six-figure sales reps spend more time on the phone and never forget to ask for referrals!

Top producers don't need to be told to ask for referrals or follow up on hot leads, because they understand that prospecting is a necessity and not just an activity. The good news is that prospecting for new business, like any other skill, can be trained and developed into a habit.

Six Powerful Prospecting Tips to Build Your Business

Tip One: Don't Forget to Ask for Referrals.

When it comes to asking for referrals, timing is everything. Research indicates that the most effective time to ask for referrals is right after you've made the sale or provided a valuable service for your customer. Asking for referrals prior to closing the sale is a big mistake and may even jeopardize the sale itself. Once the sale has been completed, your customer will be on an “emotional high” and far more receptive to the idea of providing you referrals.

Tip Two: Train and Reward Your Advocates.

An advocate is a person who's willing to go out of his or her way to recommend you to a friend or associate. Most customers are initially reluctant to provide referrals without some basic training and motivation.

Once you're given a prospect, it's a good idea to take the time to role-play with your advocate to demonstrate how to approach and talk to their referral. A brief role-playing exercise will build your advocate's confidence and keep them from overeducating their referrals. During your role-play session, be sure to prepare your advocate to expect some initial resistance. This training will pay big dividends by making your advocate more effective and less likely to become discouraged when faced with rejection.

Always take the time to thank your advocates and give them feedback on the status of their referrals. I recommend that you call them and then follow up by sending a thank you card and or gift.

Tip Three: Strike While the Iron is HOT.

Prospects, like food in your refrigerator, are perishable and therefore need to be contacted quickly. Each day you let slip by without making initial contact with your referral dramatically reduces the probability of you making the sale. Develop the habit of contacting your referrals within two-business days or sooner. Have a system to keep track of your referrals so they don't end up falling through the cracks. It's critical to have a computerized client contact management system to record your remarks and track future contacts and appointments. Relying on your memory alone is a very poor business decision that will cost you dearly.

Tip Four: Schedule a Minimum of Two-Hours a Day for Phone Calling.

Make your phone calls in the morning while you and your referrals are both fresh and alert. Treat your prospecting time with the same respect you would give to any other important appointment. This is not the time to check your e-mails, play solitaire on the computer, make personal phone calls or chat with your associates.

Avoid the temptation to try and sell your product or service over the phone. Your objective for every phone call is to create interest, gather information and make an appointment. If your prospect asks you a question, get in the habit of going for an appointment rather than giving a quick response.

Don't shoot from the hip use a script. It's important to use a phone script when you contact your prospect so you don't leave out any key information. It's a good idea to role-play your script over the phone with your sales manager until he or she feels you sound confident and professional.

Tip Five: Qualify Your Prospect at Maximum Range.

Unfortunately, not every prospect will be interested or qualified financially to purchase your products or services. Successful sales reps don't waste time chasing after low-probability prospects and know when it's time to cut their losses and move on.

Tip Six: Don't Take Rejection Personally.

Selling, like baseball, is a numbers game pure and simple. Rejection is to be anticipated as a natural aspect of the qualification process, so don't take it personally. Learn from rejection by using it as a valuable feedback mechanism. Salespeople who take rejection personally lack perseverance and seldom make the sale.
For the majority of salespeople, prospecting for new business is without a doubt the most challenging and stressful aspect of the selling process. Selling is a contact sport and daily prospecting for new business is the key to every salesperson's long-term financial success. By integrating these six powerful prospecting tips into your daily business routine, you'll be able to keep your appointment calendar packed!

John Boe

John Boe presents a wide variety of motivational and sales-oriented keynotes and seminar programs for sales meetings and conventions. John is a nationally recognized sales trainer and business motivational speaker with an impeccable track record in the meeting industry.